Movie Review: The Promotion

“Terrifically smart and funny.” is a quote from Jeff Craig about The Promotion, who writes for a publication ‘Sixty Second Preview’. This praise can be found on the DVD cover, along with his four star rating, just below the movie title. It’s a lie. But before I go on to rant about what an ultimately boring movie The Promotion is, I decided to do a Google search on Sixty Second Preview – just to see if Jeff Craig and I had opposite tastes in movies.

What I found – and it was something I didn’t expect to find – was a site debating the credibility of Jeff Craig and Sixty Second Preview. The page contained an article that mentioned Craig’s apparent love for bad movies. And then it got to a quote from Roger Ebert, who questioned Craig’s authenticity. “Has anyone ever actually seen Jeff Craig of ‘Sixty Second Previews’ at a movie? For that matter, does anyone know what ‘Sixty Second Previews’ is?”

Suspicious, suspicious. Is Jeff Craig a made up critic that distributors quote after they’ve run out of critics to choose from (pointing to the fact that the movie sucks so bad it couldn’t warrant a single decent review)?

Turns out ‘Sixty Second Preivew’ is a program one minute in length produced by a radio station and hosted by Jeff Craig. Now we know the nature of the medium, but get this: “…since the program comes on CD a month at a time, he apparently hasn’t actually seen most of the movies – thus “previews”, not “reviews”. Still, his gushing about an upcoming movies he hasn’t yet seen ends up being used as blurbs in movie ads.”

You can check out the rest of the site here.

I know I’ve taken five paragraphs up NOT talking about the movie, but here you go: don’t believe poster blurbs.

Now on to the movie: it is, unfortunately, far from being “terrifically smart and funny”. There are about three witty lines, and two instances when I actually did snort/smirk a little. The movie is about two assistant managers of a mart competing for a promotion, and are co-helmed by Seann William Scott and John C. Reilly as the two assisting managers, Doug and Richard. There’s nothing glaringly wrong with their acting, though expressions tend to fall a little to the wooden side. It’s not their fault that that happens. The movie severely suffers from being a monotonous drawl without a discernible climax, like a wind that blows non-stop without any hint of a storm.

The two are desperate to land that promotion for not entirely selfish reasons, so it’s not like you’re given the choice to root for one of them (and hate the other in the process). Their reasons for wanting the promotion are similar, their jabs at one another aren’t full out dramatic or threatening, and the script and direction feels like a flaccid soon-to-be-dead thing. The Promotion isn’t a bad movie, it just needed a new director and writer (who, incidentally, are the same person: Steve Conrad). Remember The Pursuit of Happyness, and the way it was so full of potential but never fulfilled any of them? Same thing.

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: Hannah Montana: The Movie

Hannah Montana has, in my opinion, bad press she doesn’t deserve. Oh, the Jonas Brothers deserve it, but at least you know when teenagers love Hannah, they aren’t actually thinking about being in potential relationships with the star in question. Female fans screaming over the Jonas Brothers give me the creeps. For all her limited vocal range, I can appreciate Hannah for what she represents: a teen idol.

The HM franchise has so far made it through several seasons on the Disney channel, and quite a few accompanying soundtracks. They’ve taken a bold step here by moving on to the silver screen, and unfortunately, there’s very little of the movie Hannah that I can link to the TV Hannah. The biggest and most glaring flaw from TV to film is that they weren’t kidding about it being Hannah Montana: The Movie. It’s all about her! (and no one else.)

Having reviewed some of the TV seasons that came out on DVD, the thing I enjoyed most about this Disney cash cow was its set-in-school, double-life recipe. In the TV series, Hannah performs for a few minutes tops, before she’s whisked away backstage to be Miley again. She goes to school, gets jealous over somebody, or falls in love, or falls out with her best friend, but at the end of the day there’s a good balance between all the characters. And there’s usually another story between her dad Robby Ray Stewart (Billy Ray Cyrus), and elder brother Jackson (played by Jason Earles, whom I have just recently discovered is actually 32 years old!) running parallel to the main plot for the episode. Everyone has a fair share of screen time, including whoever is guest starring.

Hannah Montana: The Movie throws this all away. Like I said, it’s all about Hannah, and how she’s tired of lying about her different identities and wants to tell everyone the truth. She visits her grandmother in the countryside, and suddenly has a new love interest in the form of a farmboy. Everyone else takes a back seat, including Lilly and Jackson, who appear in only a couple of scenes providing shameless slapstick “relief”. Miley doesn’t get to attend school, or take jabs at her classmates (essentially what made the TV versions funny, perhaps even a teeny weeny bit smart). The point is, everything we’re familiar with the franchise – the stage glamour, the deadpan sarcasm, the cheeky comebacks – has been replaced with Clark Kent barns, haystacks, and other cowboy-ish stuff. Heck, she event paints a freaking chicken coop!

This 180-degree change in direction is ill-advised and dangerously boring, and the dialogue is a walking corpse. Despite this though, IF your kid drags you to this movie, you can seek solace in some beautiful scenery.

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: Pineapple Express

I’ve been meaning to write a review for this, but haven’t, because to be honest I don’t feel a review would be the right way to go about describing something as fun as this. Like actually sitting down and thinking about it would kill some part of the enjoyment I had from watching the movie. Like Seth Rogen said in an interview, “It’s just insane that critics would even try to review this movie. It’s not meant to have any more thought put into it than the time it takes to watch it. The notion of someone sitting down and writing a paragraph about Pineapple Express is just insane to me. Just let it exist!”

I can’t agree more. Pineapple Express is one of the best stoner-comedies I have seen. It is THE best stoner-action-comedy I’ve seen. It’s so fun it makes me want to capitalise and bold and underline every adjective I use to describe it.

A drug dealer Saul Silver (James Franco) and his client Dale Denton (Seth Rogen) go on the run after witnessing a murder. Well.. Saul didn’t witness the murder, Dale did, but Dale went to Saul and so they’re both in trouble now. And they can’t call the police because “the police were the murderers!” Don’t you just love corruption?

Of course the movie isn’t as simple as that, since there’s the complication of the police working for a drug lord, a drug lord by the name of Ted who provides Sual’s middleman, Red, the weed. Don’t follow? I’ll make it simple: if Dale hadn’t witnessed the murder, run to Saul, then Dale and Ted would have been smoking pot together, united in their love for the illegal. The wedge that puts Saul and Dale on the other side isn’t the murder, but their morality. There, I just made the movie sound deep. It really isn’t, but in the good way. What it is is pure, outrageous, ridiculous, silly fun. You’ll giggle till your sides ache. I still cannot believe the movie’s last scene was totally improvised. I think I’d better stop before I go into full fanatic mode.

Now, I heard a lot of good stuff about this, and had high expectations. It met them. You have to know that I was first introduced to the film through the Pineapple Express Oscar Skit, which in my opinion, was even better than a trailer. It had Seth Rogen, whom I enjoy watching, and James Franco is hard to resist, even when he’s completely stoned. Especially when he’s completely stoned. Pineapple Express doesn’t require long paragraphs written about it – the word “awesome” is enough. Its also extremely re-watchable, and makes me want to own the DVD.

Movie Review: Night At The Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian

The sequel to the rowdy and chaotic Night At The Museum is good fun… if you haven’t seen the first movie. Starring Ben Stiller, who reprises his role as… well, he doesn’t exactly reprise his role at the start of the movie as a night guard, but he becomes one again later on anyway.

You see, between the first film and the sequel, Larry has made it as a big-shot product inventor. He only becomes a night guard of the museum again after the exhibits convince him that he isn’t happy being a rich guy, that he subconsciously misses them, etc. Oh, and what a perfect time to return too, because the museum’s getting rid of a number of wax figurines, upgrading its exhibits with animated holograms and such. It’s actually something to be sad about, because almost everyone is going to be stored underground at the Smithsonian Institution. Permanently. I figure this is the closest the wax figurines can come to dying.

So Larry goes off on a rescue mission – only to find out that Slappy (you know, the monkey) has, in his playfulness, stolen the magic Egyptian plague, and taken it along with him to the Smithsonian Institution. Before you know it, the largest museum in the world has come to life, from Amelia Earhart (Amy Adams) to evil (read: goofy) Pharaoh Kahmunrah. There are cute Albert Einsteins, a brief Darth Vader appearance, and old exhibits like the aforementioned monkey and Theodore Roosevelt too.

In fact, there are so many characters featured that it’s hard to grow attached to any one of them. This is supposed to be fun, but we’ve got to care about the characters too, yes? In the passing blur of famous people, the only exception here is Amelia Earhart, who becomes Larry’s obligatory love interest. Unfortunately for the Octavius (Steve Coogan) and Jedediah (Owen Wilson) fans, they don’t do much here except repeat what they did in the first movie (they also don’t get enough screen time!).

Saturated with lazier writing and repeated jokes, Night At The Museum 2 is regretfully lackluster. You won’t remain stoned faced, but you’ll be close to it, depending on your level of tolerance for slapstick.

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: Legally Blondes

It says right there on the cover, “Reese Witherspoon Presents Legally Blondes”. They usually do that when they know it’s a bad movie, and there’s no better way to market it than to attach a famous name to it. Notice they used a really vague term, “present”. Not “starring”, or “produced”, just “presents”. Like what the hell does that even mean? Did Reese Witherspoon’s production company fund the film, or something obscure like that? Oh, I think so. I really think so. But I shan’t bother finding out.

Legally Blondes is bad. Nail-ripping, ear-stabbingly bad. Did you notice the hot pink “s” after “Legally Blonde”? It’s a trap set to make you think this has something to do with the original Legally Blonde, which did star Reese Witherspoon as Elle Woods. Oh wait, it does have something to do with the first movie. Our lead cast of twins are Elle Woods’s nieces or something. Other than the name Witherspoon, and the deluge of every shade of pink to be found in the colour spectrum, there is nothing whatsoever that links the first version and this piece of crap. Is that a good or a bad thing? I don’t know. It’s a toss up between being linked to a bad franchise (if you could call it that), and being just an awful standalone trying to rip off an already terrible movie.

I don’t care if this is the twins’ acting debut, but I’d like to get this review over and done with.

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: Terminator Salvation

He totally earned the right to be this review's screenshot!

I haven’t seen a single movie out of the Terminator series. The closest thing I remember about them is, of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger, someone pretty hard not to see. After all, Schwarzenegger is to Terminator like Harrison Ford is to Indiana Jones. I vaguely recall walking past the TV with it playing on Channel 5, and for a while I was intrigued by this young fella the Terminator was supposed to protect. His name was John Connor, and it was Terminator 2: Judgement Day that was playing, according to the little pop-up at the bottom left corner of the screen.

I later found out the name of the child actor who played John Connor, and to this day, Edward Furlong remains the bestest actor to take on the role. He is John Connor. I have never seen a kid so good at subtly displaying hurt, defiance, and bravery (and together as well).

Forgive me for this little rant, but what I mean to say is Christian Bale never once convinced me that he was John Connor in Terminator Salvation.

Oh, he does a decent job acting. That cute little blow-up on set that leaked out and got remixed into a song, prompting everyone to declare their love for the Interwebs? I don’t for a moment doubt that Bale is putting in a hundred percent of his effort. The trouble is, he plays the role, he doesn’t fill it. The movie could very well do without him. Guess who stole the movie instead? Sam Worthington did. As a half-human, half robot, his character Marcus Wright displayed far more emotion than the apparent hero. Am I the only one thinking Bale has a problem holding his own against a supporting cast?

The movie, still about the war between humans and robots, this time introduces Wright as a wild card – created and programmed by Skynet, would he still be humane enough to… er, win the war for the people? Also, because it is a war, you best expect lots and lots of explosions. This movie would probably give Transformers 2 a run for its money, and whilst the story takes a beating thanks to the erroneous casting of its main character, the CGI and SFX are both spectacular… worth the price of half a ticket.

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: Fireball: Muay Thai Dunk

Ah, another Muay Thai movie. Surely this can’t be riding on the coattails of all the other Tony Jaa movies, the man who may very well be the Jackie Chan of Thailand! Here, take a second to cross your fingers.

…Sorry to disappoint, but Fireball: Muay Thai Dunk is indeed leeching on the fast-rising popularity of the martial art. I haven’t watched Kung Fu Dunk, but the title alone, “Muay Thai Dunk” sounds awfully like a rip-off already, doesn’t it? It’s a been there, done that affair. I’ve seen a fair share of Muay Thai movies, Fighting Beat and Muay Thai Chaiya to name a few. Whilst Fighting Beat had a cast of gorgeously fit male and female actors, and Chaiya had a great story to accompany the underground action, Fireball has nothing but jarring violence to last you through its duration. And mind you – it isn’t the sort of violence you’d want to fork out money to watch.

First of all, there’s that shaky camera… thing. In a martial arts movie. It gets steadier after the first half of the film, but by then you’re too giddy for it to make any difference. Did I mention this is a martial arts film? Hands up if you’d like to keep track of someone’s arms and legs when the camera’s a-flying in a shot too zoomed in for its own good. That’s right, forget the popcorn and bring some Panadols instead.

There’s some attempt at a story – Tai is a young man who has recently been released from jail thanks to his twin’s bribe. He finds his twin, Tan, in a coma, because apparently the money he used to bribe the authorities wasn’t “hard earned”. Tan is part of an underground Muay Thai/basketball team, a “job” that pays well, but mauls well, too. Tai, who feels guilty now, returns to the ring/court to fight it out and (hopefully) win the prize money to pay for his twin’s hospital bills. Except this time, he’s pretending to be Tan. Have they not heard of making an honest living? Or a loan (from the bank)? It’d be slower on the cash, yeah, but you’d think it would be an attractive incentive to actually get to keep your limbs. This decent plot, however, takes a hit, especially during the hurried introduction to get to the action.

It’s obvious the filmmakers are trying to market the movie to both Muay Thai and basketball fanatics, but their knowledge of both sports end at “flailing limbs”. Fireball is violent without being spectacular or smart; it allows you a trickle of adrenaline and a massive spate of indifference.

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: Unstable Fables: 3 Pigs And A Baby

So, somebody decided to take the story of the Three Little Pigs on a spin. If you’ve ever wondered what happened after the Big Bad Wolf tried to blow the last pig’s brick house down, 3 Pigs and A Baby is the animation for you. It’s the kind of movie that you aren’t sure whether to appreciate or to be disgusted with for ruining (or improving) a childhood bedtime story.

The filmmakers seem to know that they haven’t got much to work with, and the measly budget is most apparent in the animation of the characters. But don’t dismiss the movie yet – it’s got a low budget, remember? Despite its horrid lip synching where what the characters say barely reflect how their mouths move, it’s not altogether unwatchable. It’s a bad movie that’s fun to watch, with cheesy references to pig idioms like “When pigs fly”, “Out other client is a total PIG”, and “I hate PIG: Maimi”. Those are terrible lines, but they’re fun to laugh at for being so unbelievably stupid.

The plot itself is a breeze to get, scoring full marks for being silly entertainment. The wolves are out to get the pigs, and this time they’re not going to waste time on sending single wolves out. It’s a big wolf operation now, evil scientist wolf included, and they have a plan that doesn’t just involving huffing and puffing at houses. Their plan: to send a baby wolf to the pigs, a wolf so adorable the pigs would CERTAINLY adopt, and then have the wolf kid hide the key to the pig’s house under a carpet. It’s pretty long-winded since the wolf has to grow up and everything, but that’s stupidity for you. If you’ve watched enough films, you’d probably have smelt the ending from miles away.

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: Angels & Demons

"Gee, is that the plot?"

I’m amazed. Amazed by Tom Hank’s memory. I’ve never really noticed or appreciated how taxing memorising could be for an actor until this movie came along. You wouldn’t believe the kind of lines he’d had to recite, all WHILST acting. Back in 2006’s The Da Vinci Code we had the impressionable and clueless character Sophie (Audrey Tautou) to dumb down the script’s religious gobbledegook for us, but unfortunately we’ve run out of luck here. There’s no layman character to go “But what does it all mean?” or “I don’t understand!” – if you have an IQ above 170, congratulations, you’ll be one in millions who’ll fully understand what’s going on. I, unfortunately, have to admit that I have a freakishly short attention span. And yes, I did not read the book, how did you guess?

So… the plot. There’s this Physics experiment to create “antimatter”, whatever that is, and right after its successful creation a scientist is murdered. The antimatter is stolen, and at the same time somewhere a Pope’s funeral is going on. Four potential successors are chosen, but all four are kidnapped, branded and killed one at a time by a bad dude who seems to be a fan of the The Amazing Race. He leaves clues that points to him being from the Illuminati. You know, at this point I can fully appreciate the Joker and how straightforward all his plans are. There’s so much talking, in fact, that there’s a scene when Amazing Race Guy gets alerted to Langdon’s (Tom Hanks) presence by the latter’s blabbering as he’s climbing up a stairwell. In another movie, there’d be footsteps, but here, there’s talking.

Basically, Angels & Demons is a huge debate about Creation. If it’s not enough to get a headache from the conspiracy/religious jargon, they’ve got Physics thrown into this one as well. The introduction of artificially recreating antimatter in the movie presumably refers to… what, the Big Bang Theory? Who cares? I want my explosions… which antimatter does when its particles are not held apart by electromagnets. Which, in the case of the stolen antimatter, translates to when the portable battery runs out. Did you notice the irony of a blast and the word “illuminate”, and the fact that Judgement Day arrives on the wings of modern Science? Did you? DID YOU?

Look, you could just ignore the dialogue, or die trying to keep up with it. Angels & Demons is about as complex and incomprehensible as the The Da Vinci Code, but the treasure hunts and murders and explosions were good, at least. Remember how Robert Langdon had to run all over the place to retrieve treasures in the first movie? It’s the same thing, except he’s solving murders in this one. And yeah, there’s a twist.

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: The Cheetah Girls: One World

I have no recollection of what happened in the previous Cheetah Girls movie I reviewed, nor do I care, but the tell-tale signs of a break-up are evident on their “One World” movie poster. It is with great relief that I point out to you that one of them is missing! I can’t tell who it is since they all look pretty much alike with pancake make-up on, but who cares? It’s one less worthless band to “critique”, and probably a few less painful direct-to-DVD movies to sit through.

So three Cheetah Girls are left. According to IMDB.com, they are Chanel (Adrian Balion), Dorinda (Sabrina Bryan), and Aqua (Keily Williams). So much for ignoring who’s missing. I think we can all do the math here and realise it’s Raven-Symone, who plays Galleria. Guess what excuse they gave for excluding her character? The priority of education! So much for living your dreams, doing what you love, etc. etc., yada yada, eh?

The three are cast in a Bollywood movie, which is really just an excuse to put in bright colours and cute Indian boys. They arrive in India and realise that the director’s uncle (who funds the production) only wants one of them, and they have to compete against one another for the role. Oh noes!

Cue the strained friendship. Cue the forced romances. Cue the bad dialogue, the lazy storytelling, the stereotypes, the stiff acting. Bring on the horror. I hope you brought a hammer along. The Cheetah Girls: One World is as enjoyable as taking a staple gun to your temples. There’s some half-hearted attempt at Bollywood dancing, but… no. If there was one thing The Cheetah Girls did right, it was to break up before they got to butchering the sing and dance of all the other cultures.

DVD Review

There are songs, and more songs. You simply get the option to play them with or without the voices of The Cheetah Girls. There’s also a reel of unfunny bloopers, and “an alternate version of the movie with video fun facts”. Did they just suggest watching the movie again? I hope not.

(First published at InCinemas)