Movie Review: School Days With A Pig

What an unusual story. School Days With A Pig is exactly what happens for 109 minutes. It follows a graduating class as they raise a piglet for a semester… only to face the inevitable decision of what to do with it after they’ve all left school.

Responsibility is a grand theme here, as the kids grow attached to P-Chan and are all reluctant to kill and eat her (that being the original motive). This is an attempt by a young teacher, Mr. Hoshi (Satoshi Tsumabuki), to educate the class to learn about “life lessons” “out of the classroom”. It works, yet at the same time backfires, as talk about responsibility comes back to bite Hoshi in the ass. Will P-Chan end up being served on a plate for the convenience of everyone, or will responsibility be handed down like a baton to a much younger, naive, and physically weaker class (because, duh, they grow)?

Whether intentional or not, the movie makes a real case about choices being neither good or bad, correct or wrong. Listening to the kids’ input, and their reasoning on whether to have P-Chan sent to the meat center can get maddeningly uncomfortable, sad, and hilarious, all at the same time. The naivety of the school kids seem so real, you wonder if there was ever a script to begin with. It’s not a well-acted piece as much as it is a natural one, like someone placed a spy camera in the middle of a classroom discussion. The movie can feel a bit drawn out however, risking a “get it over and done with” reaction that certainly won’t be how one wants to feel about a movie about an adorable pig.

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience

The last time I watched something in 3D was at the Science Center, I think, when I was ten or so. It was a school excursion and it was called Singapore Story. Ring a bell? No? Well, I hardly remember it too, except I was young, and totally blown away by the stuff that was flying off the screen. Back then I also had perfect eyesight, so it wasn’t as awkward trying to get the 3D glasses on. Wearing a pair of 3D glasses over your own prescribed glasses doesn’t just sound uncomfortable, it IS uncomfortable. I hope it doesn’t reach the point where I have to turn to DVDs to enjoy movies in 2D. 3D’s fine, but it makes me extremely uncomfortable and giddy, so I would really appreciate that 2D option.

…and I’m just rambling on and not getting to the review because there isn’t much to talk about when three people are just “singing” on screen. I’m still a bit puzzled why anyone would suggest having a Jonas brothers concert in 3D. I’m sure the fangirls would lap it up, but 90% of the world’s population wouldn’t care less if we saw their freckles up close in layer format. It can get pretty damn annoying to see guitar picks being flung “out” of screen, because I get the feeling someone told them to do that because of the 3D recording. Tsk.

Okay, I’ll get to the actual songs now. I can’t tell if there was major lip-synching, but I’m definitely not convinced of it being live. Nobody can jump so much, sweat like hell, and still NOT pant. I suppose that’s an indirect way of saying they were indeed decent at lip-synching, but if I’m going to get crushed by 3820524 other fangirls, I think I would appreciate some live singing.

Oh, wait… maybe that’s why I’m not a fangirl!

My favourite scene was the one with Chris Tucker looking all “WTF?” at the camera. Now we know what the laziest actor in Hollywood does during his free time.

Strictly for fans only.

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: Nights In Rodanthe

Okay, I can be shallow sometimes. Not all the time – sometimes. The way I see it, you can have a good story with an average-looking cast, but if you’re going to make the film a real bore, at least stick in a few eye candy. Give me a reason to sit through the movie, you know? And – oh yeah, nobody should make a romance about two old people.

Diane Lane’s in her forties and that’s far from being ancient I know, but I’m saying she LOOKS old. And I certainly do not need to see any sort of on-screen intimacy between her and Gere. Now I may look past that wrinkly skin had the script been anything near engaging, but it wasn’t. It went on, and on, and had lines so cheesy you could make a stuffed curst pizza envious. The two are supposed to compliment each other really well, and as far as my attention span held out, they did. The thing is, I don’t care.

Nights In Rodanthe is a self-indulgent movie an outsider like yourself would have no reason to be interested in. It’s very much the same sort of reaction you’ll have when you see a couple on the street – they’re intimate with each other, but not with you, so you walk way, minding your own business. Even their broken backgrounds seem decorative – sob stories told for the sole purpose of “uniting” both parties. The movie moves on way too many flashbacks, has a twist that’s totally pointless except for shock value, and really, a constant drone you will have a hard time recalling later on. Still, if you’re a fan of Nicholas Sparks’ novels, go ahead and watch it. Just know that it’ll be utterly predictable.

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: Mama’s Boy

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not sure I like Jeffrey Mannus. I get the feeling I’m supposed to like him, but I don’t. I like his lines enough, but Jon Heder, who plays him, played him as a really mean and selfish character, which I’m sure is what he’s supposed to do, but… I also get the feeling he’s supposed to be likable. How is that possible? Well, John C. Reilly did it for Step Brothers. There’s a difference between being funny and mean at the same time, and just being mean, and Jon Heder doesn’t do deadpan sarcasm well (in Mama’s Boy at least, haven’t watched Napoleon Dynamite). 

The movie is distinctively similar to Failure To Launch, about a middle-aged adult who still lives with his mum, leeching off her and never feeling the least bit guilty about it. To supply the film with some conflict, his existence in the household is threatened when his mum falls for a motivational speaker, Mert Rosenbloom (Jeff Daniels). Of course, the pair don’t see eye to eye, and Jeffrey throws plenty of tantrums, so much so I’m almost tempted to reach into the screen to slap him.

The comedy doesn’t all fall flat – there are a few good lines here and there, but they’re unfortunately short-changed by Heder’s delivery. Other than being unlikable, Mannus is an inconsistent character as well, being hopelessly shy and awkward one second, and an all-knowing, smarter-than-thou freak the next. If giving him multiple traits was an attempt to flesh out the character… well, it backfired, and quite badly.

I’ll move on to the “climax”. I’ve never sat through a more forced resolution than this one, and for a happy ending I felt strangely uncomfortable and unsatisfied. You know, when you can’t believe something’s over and your mind wails, “That’s it?” 

Mama’s Boy is a movie gone wrong, somewhere.

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: Marigold

First impression: It’s a Bollywood movie!

Second impression: Wait, how come there’s that chick from Heroes?

Third impression: Okay, maybe she was the first on a list of actresses they contacted who didn’t turn them down.

Marigold is the name of Larter’s character, a bad tempered actress who gets fired from her job en-route to said film set. With a one-way ticket only to India, she… is stranded. That’s pretty convenient for a plot, you say. I’ll tell you what’s even more convenient: she meets an Indian guy who doesn’t want to sleep with her! And whom she eventually falls for! Predictable, predictable. Turns out he’s a dance choreographer, which is, like, a must in Bollywood, so he teaches her how to twirl and spin and other stuff. He does all that while playing the “treat the woman with respect” card just so she falls harder for him at the halfway mark, and then finally disappointing her somewhere towards the ending for a pitiful climax. Really, Marigold plays out like some scriptwriter’s version of connect-the-dots – it blatantly and faithfully follows whatever screenplay guides would list as must-haves, and it is so, so, frightfully boring. The dancing isn’t powerful, neither is the acting, dialogue, sets, etc. A little effort would’ve been appreciated.

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: Disaster Movie

Now they don’t just leave you to figure out the movie they’re “parodying”, they tell you to your face what it is! Seriously, who green lights this shit?

The movie begins abruptly with a tribal guy running through some grasslands, with dinosaur-growling sound effects in the background. He runs and runs, and is stepped on by a giant plastic mammoth foot. He picks himself up, only to find his face in dinosaur poo. This is our lovely parody of 10,000 BC. I want to cry.

“Amy Winehouse” appears. She drinks and burps for a full 15 seconds into tribal guy’s face. There’s exaggerated wind and his dreadlocks go a-flying. When it seems like she has finished with the burping, she burps some more. And some more. And more. And more! I GET IT, OKAY?

Oh, and she takes a Macbook Air out of her beehive. And goes on Facebook with that to predict some disaster for tribal guy. “Disaster Movie“, gettit? She tells him to return a crystal skull, only because there’s a need to parody Indiana Jones. My insides hurt, and it isn’t from laughing.

Gags like the above are thrown at us promptly to be forgotten (except for the crystal skull part, which makes the “backbone” of the “story”, since they have to return the damn thing to the altar.)

A Justin Timberlake fake makes an appearance, as do the four girls from Sex and the City, two of the guys from Superbad, the main characters of Juno, and superheros from Hancock, Batman, Iron Man and The Hulk. I’m assuming you know none of the original cast would be caught dead in any of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer’s movies, so they had to settle for lookalikes. As for making a parody out of Superbad… I can’t believe they tried. And who still parodies Night At The Museum anymore? 

Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer will never learn.

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: Center Stage: Turn It Up

No, this is “not just another dance movie”. I thought it was too, originally. Now I think there can’t be enough dance movies, because like one would pay to watch martial arts movies for the fight scenes, dance movies aren’t any different. Sure, they are one of the most predictable genres around, and you know they’re mostly feel-good flicks with happy endings, but the point is to delight in whatever the choreographer throws at you. So unless the dancing isn’t much to brag about, dance movies are pretty much watchable (and enjoyable). They are no less entertaining than your run-off-the-mill comedies.

Center Stage: Turn It Up has more flaws than you count: lazy writing, stock characters, less than admirable acting et cetera, but like I said these aren’t the key ingredients one usually looks out for in a dance flick. Though it isn’t quite as good as theatrical releases like Step Up, Step Up 2 and Take The Lead (it certainly doesn’t star any known actors), it’s pretty decent for a direct-to-DVD release.

In case you were wondering, Center Stage: Turn It Up centers around ballet and street-dancing. It’s not the first time we’re introduced to such extremes, and it won’t be the last either. As for the plot: you could play spin-the-bottle with any other dance movie and you’d probably be right. Yeah, it’s that predictable. (But seriously, don’t let that stop you from that rental.)

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: Burn After Reading

This is my first Cohen movie, despite, you know, the hype about them. No Country for Old Men in particular was a hit, but I didn’t get an opportunity to get acquainted with their work then. And honestly speaking, Burn After Reading was only a bit better than average. It was different and quirky and silly and smart, but not one of those films that will still wow you after you’ve heard all the good stuff about it. It partially lived up to expectations, but didn’t turn out all awesome. I can best liken the way I feel about it to how I felt about The Dark Knight - “very good meh?“

On the other hand, if you’ve not had to hear a single word of praise for the film, you may find it a very good one. It has a solid cast of Brad Pitt, George Clooney, John Malkovich and Tilda Swinton, all of whom you don’t expect to star in a crime comedy. I mean, how many movies are there that has Pitt looking like an imbecile? That, and John Malkovich may be the other person capable of rivaling Samuel Jackson at being a badass F-bomb dropper.

The movie is about two gym employees who stumble upon a disc containing memoirs of a CIA agent, which they try to re-sell to/blackmail the owner of the disc (Justifying it as a lost-and-found “reward”. Hee.) Oh, and everyone appears to be having affairs with everyone else in the movie, so everyone really knows someone who knows someone else (but they don’t know that). Imagine one of those stoner movies, but replace those stoners with two incredibly brainless gym employees who clearly are out of their league dealing with a bad-tempered CIA agent. Swinton unfortunately gets only a fraction of screentime, and who should steal the show but Pitt. I feel a bit restricted bragging what a scene-stealer he was, because telling you why would take you right into MAJOR spoiler-zone.

Worth the DVD rent if you’ve missed it in cinemas. In fact, if you’ve seen it in cinemas, I say rent it again for the rewind function.

(First published at InCinemas)

5 Actors Who Should Retire

1. Steve Martin

He hasn’t starred in a decent film in a long time. Cheaper by the Dozen? Really? Cheaper by the Dozen 2? The Pink Panther? I know there are many, many mediocre films out there, but most of them don’t star old men past their prime. Steve Martin needs to lay down his torch before he sets himself on fire.

2. Richard Gere

I know what you’re about to say. “Stop being prejudiced against aging actors!” Well… no. It’s not like I said Jeremy Irons, or Michael Caine, both fine, charming actors improving with age. Richard Gere’s bland, a face I recall only because they played that Visa commercial one time too many. This dude has had the luck to star alongside much better actors in his (better) films, so hell yes, I’m discrediting all the movies he made that actually were good. Time to leave the industry, you hitchhiker!

3. Sarah Jessica Parker

Another talentless person way past her expiration date in Hollywood. For the benefit of all her female fans, let it be known that her so-called “fashion sense”, or “high fashion”, or whatever the hell you call wearing a garden on your head, isn’t exactly a hit with the opposite sex. People, she looks like a horse. When you look like a horse, the last thing you want to do is call attention to yourself, fashion or (non-)acting wise. It’s something else if you’re hideous but a real convincing actor, SJP isn’t even any good at her job. One can only pull off looking good for a while – yes, I’m talking to you too, Jessica Alba. Go away!

4. Nicolas Cage

Isn’t anyone tired just looking at him?

5. Jennifer Aniston

I’m probably a bit harsh on her for this, but soreness isn’t a very good motivation. I for one am convinced she’s only sticking around to be a thorn in Pitt/Jolie’s side, and the John Mayor hoo-ha is very, freaking annoying. Hey, she admitted it herself that she needed to stay in shape to get roles. When you’re this reliant on your figure, it can only mean you suck at actually acting, right? Get a move on, make coffee at Starbucks or something.

(First published at InCinemas)

Movie Review: Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Meet Paul Blart, your friendly, bumbling mall security guard. He really doesn’t want you to call him that, because he’s desperate to get a job in the police academy. But hey, not like you expected him to pass the physical fitness tests, right? Mall Cop is 96% slapstick and 4% wit, so if you went in expecting to be tickled by smart one-liners, then you must be dumb or something.

So anyway, despite being a physical failure, Paul Blart knows how to take his failures in stride. He doesn’t dwell too much on his losses, drowning them in sugary treats and pies. Before you know it, he’s back in full force at the town’s hypermart, making himself useful. He falls in love with a cute wig seller, and his chance to prove himself arrives in the form of a mall robbery. Perhaps not robbery, since the robbers didn’t just snatch and go. They took hostages, one of them Cute Wig Seller. Why run and hide when a golden opportunity to impress a chick presents itself?

Look, there’s nothing bitchy I can (or want to) to say about Kelvin James as Paul Blart. He is mildly funny, and he (and the character he plays) appear such sincere, nice guys you’d have to have a heart of granite to actually really hate him. He just doesn’t get on my nerves as much as Adam Sandler or Steve Martin does, alright? I could think of another comedian to fill the role, and his name is Steve Carrell, but I don’t think he’d want to wear another fat suit after just getting out of one in Get Smart. I don’t think I want to watch a movie about a fat cop played by an actor who’s not really fat either. So… absolutely fantastic casting!

Seriously? It’s a popcorn comedy. I can’t take it seriously enough to write a proper review, so that should tell you something.

(By the way, that 4% wit I was talking about? Here’s a sneak preview:

“Look, no one’s gonna try enter the mall. Is there anything you need? You need any food, you need any water?”

“Er, you know, since you’re asking, I would love a Happy Meal. Oh make sure the toy is the sea monster ‘cos I already have the dragon.”

“Okay. Okay, what do you really want?”

“Silence.”)

(First published at InCinemas)